As I’ve now gone a couple of months without footy, I reckon it’s time to up the stakes. So in the next few days I’m going to place some bets to see how I fare against a proper gambler who both knows what he’s doing and how each side is faring.
In the meantime, I reckon I can still gauge the fortunes of the top clubs based on their previous form and general hunches. In the interests of objectivity, I am going to leave out Chelsea, Crystal Palace and Southampton, because I have accidentally stumbled onto some of their details (or been force fed them by lunatic fans). The rest, I honestly don’t have any idea about.
So here are my predictions for September based on my footy knowledge and pure guesswork. Chances are I’ll be as wide of the mark as a Per Mertesacker bicycle kick. But you never know…..
#1 Arsenal will have at least four key players out through injury. A couple of these won’t return for the entire season. I’m going to go for Danny Wellbeck, Jack Wilshere, the OX and Aaron Ramsay. Chances are the Gunners are also going to be struggling for goals.
#2 Brendan Rodgers’ job will be on the line after a poor start lacking any form of cohesion. The new players won’t be up to scratch despite Liverpool trusting him with the GDP of an average-sized Latin American country. Oh, and Sturridge will be injured.
#3 Man City will be stuttering their way to success. The overall impression will be that they should be much better given the money they’ve spent, but simply can’t be arsed to break sweat. Without Aguero they would barely have a point. They will also be rubbish in Europe.
#4 Man Utd will be defending like a bunch of schoolboys and hardly managing to pass the ball to each other, yet to widespread consternation they will still be sitting in the Top 4. Van Gaal will blame this on a lack of signings and stress that things just need a bit more time to gel.
#5 Tottenham will be looking good but struggling to score. They’ll soon hit a purple patch then fade. Levy will already be lining-up the next manager.
#6 One of the so-called lesser teams will be having an amazing start and terrorising the big boys. Southampton had their turn last year. I’m going for West Ham under Bilic.
#7 Sunderland will be bottom of the table and already steadying themselves for a backs-to-the-wall campaign that’ll last until the very last day of the season.
#8 Newcastle’s fans will have already started their ‘Kick Out Mike Ashley’ campaign on the terraces. They’ll still be the masters of suicidal defending.
#9 Jose will be claiming the whole world is conspiring against Chelsea and, very probably, looking for another job by the start of October.
#10 A foreign striker for one of the smaller teams will be unstoppable. As I have no idea who anyone has signed I’m going to have to choose a club off the top of my head. So I’m going to go for Aston Villa. It’s about time they had a half-decent season.